umm.... not that sort of training. Even though sometimes it felt more like that.
Ya, more like that kind of training. It was the closest to being in front of a class that I've ever had. And it feels right to be up there. I'm not sure I can explain it, I'm not sure anyone can adequately explain it without having done it. It's like you're on stage. You've got to be the entertaining as well as the educator. And the two have to be balanced to be effective. I wasn't the best educator, and I wasn't the best entertainer, but I struck the best balance.
It's so draining. Your "on" for 8 straight hours. You mind constantly working in at least 10 different directions. How can i keep their attention? How can I entertain them? Am I still teaching them the right material? Do I know the material well enough, I've got to be sure i'm accurate. Is what I'm doing now something that would please my boss? Is what I'm doing now something that would please their future boss (a different person than my future boss). Am I keeping them in line? Is their behavior appropriate to their position? Are they having fun anyway? Who in the class room is not paying attention? How can I get their attention back? Who in the classroom is not learning? Is it because they aren't listening? Or are they building up anxiety inside ready to burst or just not come back? Am I on schedule? Do I need to make up time? Can I slow down a bit and relax the atmosphere? What topic is next? Do i have everything ready for it? Worksheets, lesson plan, examples, power point, handouts.
OJack Johnson - Walk AloneO
For 8 hours all these things and more buzz constantly in your mind. And then when you send them out the door you mind just collapses into the soft easy chair of fatigue. It's stressful, but fulfilling too. And all the different people I’ve met. Over 300 easy. Some have been interesting, intriguing, intoxicating almost. For some 6 weeks in their presence was an eternity. But they all made their impressions on me, and they all had some story to tell.
I never thought I'd have a job that I loved, a job I was passionate about. And maybe I never will, not everyone is that lucky you know... but training is as close as I’ve gotten so far. It did become a part of who I am. I'm Christopher the trainer. Maybe that more than anything else is a sign that it's time to move on. I don't want to BE my job. Not until I can find that job that is who I really am at least.
It wasn't an easy decision, whether or not to even apply for this job. I've let other opportunities to leave the training department slide by. Other chances at higher pay, and a change of scenery. They just didn't feel right. And nothing "clicked" in my head this time either. It wasn't like some inner part of me sprung up and said "yes yes this is what we've been waiting for". This is who you are. But nothing cried out against it either.
O Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstasy O
So I decided to see what way fate tugged me. I decided to listen to those around me, those who care for me, and put myself in the hands of something bigger than me. Everyone around me pushed me towards applying for the new position. People who love me, or even just care about me. I went into the interview and gave it my best, I admit there wasn't the fervor, the fire, but I did my best. And I've got the job. Ironically, it had com down to a decision between me an a former superior of mine. And I won out.
So I'm trusting that this is the right thing. But I'm not sure. I don't feel it to the core of my being. Maybe I'm just afraid. Maybe I'm just reluctant to give up this little bit of happiness that I've found. But without change we just stagnate and rot, right? And without putting out little happiness at risk we never even have a chance at greater happiness, right? We'll find out I guess....
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