Today is the day that I begin my fasting ceremony.
I'll admit that I didn't even remember it until about noon. I'm training a night class right now. My last training class ever. And it's entry instead of customer service. A bit of an added stress I admit. Training something that I don’t' know. I've been a good trainer, a very good trainer. I'm comfortable with saying that I'm the best trainer in the department right now. And not just because I think it, but because enough other people think it, and tell me so. Not people bound by any loyalty to me. My two strengths have been in my approach. I've never lost the sympathy, the empathy, with the trainees. I'm there to serve them. I'm there to help and teach them. And in my mastery of the subject material. I was a good customer service rep. One of the best, I promoted quickly because of it. And even as rules change it's very hard to knock me off balance in the realm of TRICARE Customer Service. But entry.... it's an all new world. And one I haven't had time to learn. There was no break between classes. It's been 9 weeks straight now. Anyway, that's another topic.
Today I started my fasting ritual. I didn't remember until noon when I was about to pop my new French toast into the toaster. And then it struck me.
Today is the Thursday it begins.
Why? Well, that's a tangled question, and I tried to sort through it myself before committing to anything. It started with the reading for the Church class. Three Months with Matthew. The position on fasting. Nobody fasts anymore. And why not? That was the question poised. Why not. There are probably countless reasons. My smaller mind only came up with a few. It's inconvenient. And we hate inconvenience. Our lives circle around convenience. It sells. It fits into the very logic hardwired into our brains. And we are a people who like to be comfortable. We don't deny ourselves much. There it is. Like fumbling for my bedside glasses pre-dawn. I feel around the edge. We don't deny ourselves anything really. If it is available, and if we can afford it, hell sometimes if we can't even, we deserve it. If we want it, and it is within our reach, it is also within our right to have it. Denial doesn't fit anywhere into our logic. OFiona Apple, Get GoneO I think that's probably a truth. Denial is gone from out society. Financially, spiritually, politically, sexually... it's gone.
Was there a validity to denial? Luther wore his coat inside out so that the rough outer wool would chafe against his skin. Maybe it was that sort of puritan denial that turned us away. Denial of anything pleasurable, denial of any comfort. That was without a doubt too extreme. But now the pendulum has swung too far. What was the purpose of denial? Even in it's extreme form. To pull the focus away from the physical and let it rest on the spiritual? But that doesn't seem right. When you're body wants for even the basics, when discomfort is something you are constantly aware of, your mind is more on your physical self than it ever was.
They say you should always write a little cold and a little hungry.
Biblically? Fasting was done as a community in the times of the early Christian church. Not an individual choice, but like community prayer, or a church service. So there is a validity in that, in strengthening the spiritual community. But that is past, and doesn't pertain to now.
Could fasting be a sort of prayer? a sacrifice offered up over a course of time? Maybe, and if I stay this course, that's what I want to view it as. For one day I will fast. My first thought (or my first thought upon remembering that today is the day I'm fasting) should be that this denial is a sacrifice that I'm offering up. Not in a public arena, not to be viewed by others. In fact, I'd rather that no one other than Sarah even know that this is what I'm doing. It should be personal, not a cry for attention.
From midnight to midnight, I won't eat anything solid. I'll drink only fluids. That should affect my health, but it should be enough that I'm hungry, that I'll want to eat. And there in will be the denial. The discipline, something I need and have too little of.
So today was the first day of my little experiment. Was it a coincidence that Molly brought in cake? That Rachel's class had a food day, and that there were brownies so heavy they ripped through a single napkin. With chocolate chips, and caramel and crushed Oreo? And taco dip. And I had honestly forgotten that it was the night of the LHE food day. About 100 trainees all brought in food. A veritable banquet laid out.
And the final temptation....
When the OCR entry staff reach their entry goals the company buys them cookies. So we had a big box of double chocolate, sugar cookies, soft chocolate chip cookies, and butterscotch cookies.
But I went the whole day without eating. And more importantly for me, I didn’t broadcast it, didn't even let anyone know really. I told the people I saw during the day that I was saving room for the night food event, and I told the people at night that I'd stuffed myself during the day. So it was a personal thing for me, not a public show.
I'll confess, and I don't think it's a bad thing, I think that if anything if would have made God smile a little smile. I'll confess that I did bring one of those heavy brownies home, wrapped in a napkin that was soaked through with oil or grease or whatever is in caramel and chocolate and brownie, and at 12:01, accompanied with a tall cold glass of milk, I ate what was left of the brownie after Sarah took her share.
OJem - TheyO
And I'm glad I did it. I'm glad that for 24 hours I could discipline my body. I didn't lose any weight, I didn't hurt or help my health over all. But I denied myself something I wanted. And that makes me feel just a little bit stronger.
No comments:
Post a Comment