OTori Amos - '97 Bonnie and ClydeO
Today is the day that I begin my fasting ceremony.

I'll admit that I didn't even remember it until about noon. I'm training a night class right now. My last training class ever. And it's entry instead of customer service. A bit of an added stress I admit. Training something that I don’t' know. I've been a good trainer, a very good trainer. I'm comfortable with saying that I'm the best trainer in the department right now. And not just because I think it, but because enough other people think it, and tell me so. Not people bound by any loyalty to me. My two strengths have been in my approach. I've never lost the sympathy, the empathy, with the trainees. I'm there to serve them. I'm there to help and teach them. And in my mastery of the subject material. I was a good customer service rep. One of the best, I promoted quickly because of it. And even as rules change it's very hard to knock me off balance in the realm of TRICARE Customer Service. But entry.... it's an all new world. And one I haven't had time to learn. There was no break between classes. It's been 9 weeks straight now. Anyway, that's another topic.

Today I started my fasting ritual. I didn't remember until noon when I was about to pop my new French toast into the toaster. And then it struck me.

Today is the Thursday it begins.

Why? Well, that's a tangled question, and I tried to sort through it myself before committing to anything. It started with the reading for the Church class. Three Months with Matthew. The position on fasting. Nobody fasts anymore. And why not? That was the question poised. Why not. There are probably countless reasons. My smaller mind only came up with a few. It's inconvenient. And we hate inconvenience. Our lives circle around convenience. It sells. It fits into the very logic hardwired into our brains. And we are a people who like to be comfortable. We don't deny ourselves much. There it is. Like fumbling for my bedside glasses pre-dawn. I feel around the edge. We don't deny ourselves anything really. If it is available, and if we can afford it, hell sometimes if we can't even, we deserve it. If we want it, and it is within our reach, it is also within our right to have it. Denial doesn't fit anywhere into our logic. OFiona Apple, Get GoneO I think that's probably a truth. Denial is gone from out society. Financially, spiritually, politically, sexually... it's gone.

Was there a validity to denial? Luther wore his coat inside out so that the rough outer wool would chafe against his skin. Maybe it was that sort of puritan denial that turned us away. Denial of anything pleasurable, denial of any comfort. That was without a doubt too extreme. But now the pendulum has swung too far. What was the purpose of denial? Even in it's extreme form. To pull the focus away from the physical and let it rest on the spiritual? But that doesn't seem right. When you're body wants for even the basics, when discomfort is something you are constantly aware of, your mind is more on your physical self than it ever was.

They say you should always write a little cold and a little hungry.
Biblically? Fasting was done as a community in the times of the early Christian church. Not an individual choice, but like community prayer, or a church service. So there is a validity in that, in strengthening the spiritual community. But that is past, and doesn't pertain to now.

Could fasting be a sort of prayer? a sacrifice offered up over a course of time? Maybe, and if I stay this course, that's what I want to view it as. For one day I will fast. My first thought (or my first thought upon remembering that today is the day I'm fasting) should be that this denial is a sacrifice that I'm offering up. Not in a public arena, not to be viewed by others. In fact, I'd rather that no one other than Sarah even know that this is what I'm doing. It should be personal, not a cry for attention.

From midnight to midnight, I won't eat anything solid. I'll drink only fluids. That should affect my health, but it should be enough that I'm hungry, that I'll want to eat. And there in will be the denial. The discipline, something I need and have too little of.

So today was the first day of my little experiment. Was it a coincidence that Molly brought in cake? That Rachel's class had a food day, and that there were brownies so heavy they ripped through a single napkin. With chocolate chips, and caramel and crushed Oreo? And taco dip. And I had honestly forgotten that it was the night of the LHE food day. About 100 trainees all brought in food. A veritable banquet laid out.

And the final temptation....
When the OCR entry staff reach their entry goals the company buys them cookies. So we had a big box of double chocolate, sugar cookies, soft chocolate chip cookies, and butterscotch cookies.

But I went the whole day without eating. And more importantly for me, I didn’t broadcast it, didn't even let anyone know really. I told the people I saw during the day that I was saving room for the night food event, and I told the people at night that I'd stuffed myself during the day. So it was a personal thing for me, not a public show.

I'll confess, and I don't think it's a bad thing, I think that if anything if would have made God smile a little smile. I'll confess that I did bring one of those heavy brownies home, wrapped in a napkin that was soaked through with oil or grease or whatever is in caramel and chocolate and brownie, and at 12:01, accompanied with a tall cold glass of milk, I ate what was left of the brownie after Sarah took her share.


OJem - TheyO
And I'm glad I did it. I'm glad that for 24 hours I could discipline my body. I didn't lose any weight, I didn't hurt or help my health over all. But I denied myself something I wanted. And that makes me feel just a little bit stronger.

last class

My last training class EVER starts today. it's entry, I wish I could have gone out with the last class. They rocked. They would have been a good last impression. A magnum opus, er whatever....

promote me!

So... I got the job. The new job. No more training for me. Good bye training... hello something else.

umm.... not that sort of training. Even though sometimes it felt more like that.

Ya, more like that kind of training. It was the closest to being in front of a class that I've ever had. And it feels right to be up there. I'm not sure I can explain it, I'm not sure anyone can adequately explain it without having done it. It's like you're on stage. You've got to be the entertaining as well as the educator. And the two have to be balanced to be effective. I wasn't the best educator, and I wasn't the best entertainer, but I struck the best balance.

It's so draining. Your "on" for 8 straight hours. You mind constantly working in at least 10 different directions. How can i keep their attention? How can I entertain them? Am I still teaching them the right material? Do I know the material well enough, I've got to be sure i'm accurate. Is what I'm doing now something that would please my boss? Is what I'm doing now something that would please their future boss (a different person than my future boss). Am I keeping them in line? Is their behavior appropriate to their position? Are they having fun anyway? Who in the class room is not paying attention? How can I get their attention back? Who in the classroom is not learning? Is it because they aren't listening? Or are they building up anxiety inside ready to burst or just not come back? Am I on schedule? Do I need to make up time? Can I slow down a bit and relax the atmosphere? What topic is next? Do i have everything ready for it? Worksheets, lesson plan, examples, power point, handouts.

OJack Johnson - Walk AloneO

For 8 hours all these things and more buzz constantly in your mind. And then when you send them out the door you mind just collapses into the soft easy chair of fatigue. It's stressful, but fulfilling too. And all the different people I’ve met. Over 300 easy. Some have been interesting, intriguing, intoxicating almost. For some 6 weeks in their presence was an eternity. But they all made their impressions on me, and they all had some story to tell.

I never thought I'd have a job that I loved, a job I was passionate about. And maybe I never will, not everyone is that lucky you know... but training is as close as I’ve gotten so far. It did become a part of who I am. I'm Christopher the trainer. Maybe that more than anything else is a sign that it's time to move on. I don't want to BE my job. Not until I can find that job that is who I really am at least.

It wasn't an easy decision, whether or not to even apply for this job. I've let other opportunities to leave the training department slide by. Other chances at higher pay, and a change of scenery. They just didn't feel right. And nothing "clicked" in my head this time either. It wasn't like some inner part of me sprung up and said "yes yes this is what we've been waiting for". This is who you are. But nothing cried out against it either.

O Sarah McLachlan - Fumbling Towards Ecstasy O

So I decided to see what way fate tugged me. I decided to listen to those around me, those who care for me, and put myself in the hands of something bigger than me. Everyone around me pushed me towards applying for the new position. People who love me, or even just care about me. I went into the interview and gave it my best, I admit there wasn't the fervor, the fire, but I did my best. And I've got the job. Ironically, it had com down to a decision between me an a former superior of mine. And I won out.

So I'm trusting that this is the right thing. But I'm not sure. I don't feel it to the core of my being. Maybe I'm just afraid. Maybe I'm just reluctant to give up this little bit of happiness that I've found. But without change we just stagnate and rot, right? And without putting out little happiness at risk we never even have a chance at greater happiness, right? We'll find out I guess....

insanity

Insanity


This is an article about the ban on assault weapons that is about to expire. Here is a excerpt.

“The Consumer Federation of America said the gun industry is getting set to market military style firearms if the federal ban on such weapons expires as scheduled next Monday.

The consumer group said it checked with sales people, as well as manufacturers' catalogs and Web sites. ArmaLite, a gun manufacturer in Geneseo, Ill., is advertising a "Post-PostBan Rifle Program," offering consumers attachments to convert their firearms to pre-ban configuration.”


Now as frightening as that may be in and of itself, what I really got a kick out of was the poll that goes along with it. The poll asks:

Should congress renew the federal ban on assault weapons?

Yes, Military style firearms should be banned
No, people have the right to own any firearm they want.

Here is how the poll stands as of now

Okay that’s fine. We are all entitled to our opinions, and I know that’s a highly debated issue. Just look at all of the controversy that the conceal and carry issue brought up. And even though the arguments run contrary to what I would think of as logical, I can begin to see both sides of it.

There is another article
This one is about French school girls. Oh settle down… it’s purely political.
Here is an excerpt.
“The law forbids conspicuous religious symbols and apparel in public schools. It also calls for a period of dialogue for those who fail to comply. If students don't agree to follow the new law during the discussions, then measures are taken to expel them.
While the law targets Muslim head scarves, it also forbids Jewish skull caps and large Christian crosses in classrooms.
The law is meant to bring France's increasingly vocal Muslim population, estimated at 5 million, into line with the country's cherished principle of secularism.”

So the goal of the ban is to remove anything smacking of religion from schools. Keep that in mind.

There is a poll along with this article as well.
It asks

Do you agree with the ban on religious symbols and apparel in France’s public schools?
-Yes
-No
And here is how we stand on that issue as of now. And again, keep in mind that the odds are pretty good that the 9761 people who voted on the last poll are the same ones participating in this poll. At least a good majority of them.


So... We are a nation in support of citizens with assault weapons. Bear in mind, part of the definition of an assault weapon is that it is not used for hunting purposes. It’s used for assaults… that’s why it’s called an “ASSAULT weapon” for pete’s sake. And as Americans we want them.

We also approve of the ability to tell a person what they can and cannot wear. Specifically, we think that it’s right to be able to tell a person that they cannot wear an article of clothing because it has religious connotations.

So here’s to America! May our guns grow ever bigger, and may our freedom of expression continue to dwindle.

1000th

not really a milestone that we wanted to reach, but here we are anyway. The 1000th use military member to die in Iraq. Well over 6000 wounded. It's a terrbile number in and of itself, but it leaves me wondering. How many Iraqi soldiers have died? How many citizens? not to lessen the loss of our troops in any way, I wouldn't do that. But to realize that the cost of war isn't just measured in the deaths of one side. That's why civil wars are so terrible, we have to count the losses on both sides.

paper thin

I don’t feel worn out, I feel worn thin. not even stretched thin, or pulled tight, just worn thin.

Like tissue paper rubbed too long between the thumband fore finger. -until you swear you can feel the ridges of that opposing digit right through it. Knowing that if you apply just alittle more pressure it will rip apart.
I’m not close to snapping. I won’t pretend to be. I’m not like a rubber band. I am tissue paper, and I’m close to the tear.