evil evil toaster

Vociferous voices

I found out that my toaster is sentient this morning. Sentient, and maybe just a little bit evil. I put my toast in, and I sit there, looking at it, waiting for the toast to pop. Because you know that there is nothing worse than trying to spread cold butter on cooling toast. It ruins the whole piece of toast! Come on, you know it... you've ranted and cursed and gnashed your teeth as our silver cutlery crumbles and shreds that white toasted plane.

And here's what my toaster does. It waits... it watches.... as I glare and mutter under my breathe "pop mother fucker. pop"

ahhhh but the toaster is patient. And as soon as I reach to do somethin, something that takes two hands and cannot be dropped quickly. Something like taking hot oatmeal out of the microwave.

POP!

Up comes the toast as I fumble around, putting down the oatmeal, scrambling for a knife, scraping off some butter.... but alas, it's too late. That crucial moment has passed and my perfect piece of honey'd toast is ruined.

And it was planned. There was thought put into this waste.

With my next piece of bread-become-toast I waited. I didn't pick up anything, I didn't turn my back. I waited like the patient toast predator that I am. And it burned! It burned before it popped!

Okay, one more test. This time I put the toast in, and with breakfast-ninja like relexes i spin, snatching the milk from the fridge, balancing my bowl on my box of wheat chex, and glide towards the table, the toast hasn't been down for 15 seconds yet...

and POP! the toast... or bread still actually, is up. I have no choice but to waste those few crucial moments of perfect "toasted freshness" when the butter would have melted off the knife like summer sun off a red playground slide, while I put down my cereal, my milk and my bowl.

So now I know.... that my toaster is alive, and harbors some sort of grudge against me.

Tomorrow... the invisible faeries that make me drop things in the morning. Oddly enough they go away after I start drinking coffee....